In the earlier, more naive days of my corporate career, I used to think brute force was the way to get things done. I mistakenly thought I had to bulldoze a path to get ahead in a male-dominated company and industry. At the time, it seemed like a natural continuation of my childhood belief that exerting power over others was the way to progress in life. After all, I was raised in a family where authority ruled through dictation, and compliance was reinforced with praise and rewards.
Somewhere along the way, I learned to pack a punch with my words, so much that my older brother even called me “Little Big Woman” in sarcastic reference to the brute persona I tried to assume.
It wasn’t until years later that I learned we can get a whole lot further while exerting a lot less force through a kinder, more mindful choice of words. I don’t know anyone who likes having demands placed upon them, and I, for one, appreciate being asked rather than told what to do.
I grimaced when I recently overheard a panicked friend’s call to an airline seeking help with a cancelled flight. It came as no surprise that her first words out of the gate, “What can you do for me…” were met with being placed on hold for more than twenty minutes and no resolution.
Subsequently, a more deferent tone in seeking help at the airline counter resulted in a positive outcome that saw her home safely on a different routing.
Instead of alienating others through a demand or expectation, if we frame a request in a way that sets the other person up to win, they’re much more apt to be motivated to oblige.
As human beings, it naturally feels good when we’re able to help another, to make a difference.
Through a mindful selection of words and tone, we can create opportunities for others to be of service rather than servants to our demands.
The next time you need someone to do something, park the bulldozer and dig a little deeper for the right words.
Instead of issuing an order or making a demand, start with, “I’d be so grateful if you could…”
If you’d like something to be done differently, resist criticism and try words like “It would be so helpful if you could…” instead of “That’s not working for me.”
You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how much further the request goes towards achievement of desired results.
