Each of us wears many different hats every day, often donning numerous hats simultaneously: friend, spouse/partner, parent, family member, colleague, student, teacher, client, and the list goes on and on.
In claiming the authentic story of our lives, it’s important to be mindful of the specific hat we’re each wearing in every interaction and to check ourselves on whether we’re appropriately dressed for the occasion.
Otherwise, wrong assumptions can result in unmet expectations, which, in turn, can lead to unnecessary discourse.
When a friend recently started sharing with me challenges she faced at her job, I immediately put on my coach hat because I wanted to help her. It didn’t take very long to tell from her words and tone that she hadn’t called looking for Lois the coach; what she needed was Lois the friend. No coaching, no suggestions, just an attentive friend to offer an understanding ear. I quickly changed hats and listened as a caring friend.
Sometimes we may have a specific hat we don as our subconscious default, much like reaching mindlessly for that favorite ball cap on our way out the door.
I must’ve been born wearing the “Fixer” hat, but it wasn’t until I learned through some less than skillful experiences that this particular hat didn’t always serve the best interests of the people I wanted to help nor myself.
From a very early age, I’d assumed it was my job to fix things, largely in part because I wanted to help people. If there was a problem, by gosh, I’d find a way to fix it, or so I used to naively think.
The flaw in my best of intentions was that not everyone wanted or needed a fix, least of all from me. Through sometimes awkward trial and error, I came to see that there are times when someone close just wants a non-judging ear to listen or a sympathetic shoulder on which to cry, or a significant other may simply need to be seen and met where he is, regardless of whether I think I can help make things better.
Claiming the authentic story of our lives requires us to flex between our many hats so that we can show up in the one that best serves each moment.
If we’re vigilantly mindful of how we feel in every interaction and how others are receiving us, we’ll quickly discern whether the particular hat we’ve picked is the best one to serve the situation.
If a conversation flows smoothly and easily, it’s a good sign we’ve dressed appropriately for the occasion. On the other hand, tension or discomfort can be signals of the wrong chapeau. If we’re unsure, we always can ask what the other person most needs from us, or tell them what we need ourselves, and adapt quickly.
As we claim the authentic story of our lives, the skill of choosing the right hat or making a quick hat change becomes more and more innate. When we’re increasingly aware of and claim our own true story, we inspire others and create the safe space for them to do the same.
