When we find ourselves in a sensitive situation unsure of proper words for the occasion, often we get tongue tied by the very uncertainty of what to say. A part of us longs to express empathy or solidarity, or we might feel obliged to say something, anything, in acknowledgement, yet we find ourselves paralyzed for fear of whether we’ll say the right words.
The thing is, there never is a single right thing to say. The ‘right’ words are those that convey a kind, genuine reflection of what we feel.
Overanalyzing to find the perfect prose could inadvertently muck things up by sounding contrived and insincere, contributing further discomfort to an already uncomfortable situation.
The best thing to say comes simply from speaking straight from the heart.
If we set aside worry of being judged for our words and focus instead on the compassion we want to convey, the authenticity of our intentions will come through. The exact words aren’t nearly as important as the intention behind our words.
I had the opportunity to come face to face with this truth recently when I learned that a colleague’s job had been eliminated. While “reductions in force,” as they call it in HR speak, had become all too common in the midst of our company’s ongoing reorganization, we had no idea it would strike so close to home in our close-knit office.
I worried about how this coworker, known to have a flair for the dramatic, had taken the news, and I began to search my mind furiously for the ‘right’ words to say to her. I imagined the range of emotions that might have been running its course with her: worry, fear, anger, to name just a few.
I couldn’t ignore the proverbial elephant in the room and carry on about as though nothing had happened, yet how could I handle the delicate situation with respect and sensitivity?
I thought I had a little time on my side to figure out what to say because our offices are located at opposite ends and maybe I could sequester myself until I was ready.
What would I appreciate hearing if I were in her shoes? Words that felt genuine eluded me while my love and compassion grew increasingly strong. I literally felt an aching in my heart best described as a peculiar mix of sadness and joy.
She didn’t love her work and recently had changed to part-time status to accommodate other priorities in her life. Maybe she’d see the silver lining of what might first have appeared to be a dark cloud?
Dang it, where were the perfect words from this normally masterful steward of words written and spoken? Her approaching voice and footsteps suddenly interrupted my self-dialog. Without consciously thinking, I came from behind my desk to stop her as she walked by and offered my arms in an embrace. As we hugged, the only words that came to my lips were, “I’m so sorry,” but that was enough, precisely enough. Between our embrace and these three small but significant words, I knew I’d effectively conveyed what I felt in my heart and that my sentiments had been received with gratitude.
She’d received the news like a champ, declaring the situation an opportunity to find and pursue her real passion, to put her gifts to use in a way that would be deeply meaningful.
I could have locked myself in my office all day without coming up with the perfect script, and I was grateful that circumstance had saved me from such agony. Speaking from the heart needs no script.
The next time the cat gets your tongue when you long to convey something from the heart, step out of your head into the very source of what yearns to be expressed.
Breathe deeply from that place in you that already knows exactly what to say, and the perfect words will come.
