At one time or another, we’ve all likely experienced something painful that we would prefer to forget for the feelings of hurt, anger or sadness that still are easily invoked by the memory. It’s human nature to want to forget such events, to block them out of our minds or at least to ignore them. What if we were to face them head on instead, to slay the dragons in our minds so that they can no longer haunt us?
A friend was in town recently with her husband, whom I met for the first time. When I asked where is he from and he answered Newtown, Connecticut, I immediately responded with dismay. Hearing the name of the town now recognized as the site of a tragic elementary school shooting caused me to respond subconsciously with a facial expression of horror. I then quickly apologized because I didn’t mean to infer that the tragedy that brought infamy to his hometown meant the town itself was a horrible place. He shrugged it off and said that my reaction had become typical since the shooting in 2012.
This brief part of our conversation lingered with me, causing me to question why is it that we tend to allow a negative experience to taint our viewpoint of a specific place, a place that previously may have represented something very meaningful and important to us?
It reminded me of San Francisco and more than a decade during which I’d allowed heartbreak experienced there to displace the city’s special place in my heart. I’ve been to San Fran a couple dozen times, and from the very first time I’d set foot there, something awoke in me that declared it’s where I belong and one day would own a home, a dream I still hold.
Fast forward to a span of time during which I had several ugly spats with a former lover in the city I love (yes, I was a slow learner to rewrite the same painful story with the same guy in the same place a few times). It saddened me to realize that said experiences had tainted the magic of the city to the point that I felt constricted as my plane touched down, my usual excitement for being in the Bay notably absent.
Last year, I finally decided it was time to erase a few bad memories and reclaim San Francisco’s special place in my heart. A group of girlfriends and I were meeting in SF for a long weekend, and I enlisted their help on my mission. One of the women brilliantly suggested a burning ceremony to release whatever no longer served each of us.
We solemnly gathered at the beach on a sunny, windy afternoon, and after many attempts, set blaze to a pile of driftwood in a public fire pit. One by one, we each added fodder to the flames in the form of photos, letters and other mementos we’d brought to release. Together, we set tokens of painful memories and holders of stagnant energy to flame, and from the ashes arose a collective healing catharsis.
I’ve since returned to San Francisco several times, and on each occasion, welcomed the familiar, giddy anticipation of homecoming in my heart.
Is there someplace you enjoy or hold dear to your heart but no longer want to return because of a bad experience there? Don’t allow an isolated incident to forever rob you of your joy.
Objectively revisit the negative experience for what it was: a one-off, a snapshot in time, and let it go.
A single occasion doesn’t undo more favorable memories from which true significance is created.
