At one time or another, we’ve all said or done something we regret for the impact it had on someone else. That heavy feeling of regret is proportionally magnified by how much we love and care for the person hurt by our words and actions.
It can be all too easy to allow such an exchange to attach itself like a tumor to an important relationship. The invisible tumor could be benign and not grow, or it might become malignant and perpetuate a constant undercurrent of tension. Either way, its very presence can be a barrier to the level of deep and honest communication that existed before.
We all have at our disposal a powerful tool to erase the sting of hurtful things said or done and prevent them from growing into seeds of resentment.
It’s simple to use, and it can work magic, but we have to be willing to look beyond our pride to access this miraculous antidote called the do-over.
I recently turned to the do-over to soothe an unintended bruising I inflicted on my sister with some harsh words. During a visit with my family, I found myself very vocal in criticizing my sister for her treatment of her husband. She was the literal front seat driver as my brother-in-law drove us to a new restaurant downtown, calling his every turn and quickly chastising him if he didn’t correctly anticipate where she thought we should head next.
I jumped to his unsolicited defense and laid into my sister, completely oblivious to my hypocrisy in belittling her for her belittlement of him. The words left a bitter taste in my mouth as soon as I uttered them. I immediately felt my sister’s silent resentment, and I felt awful. I was plagued with worry about how to undo what I’d done, and then the answer became obvious. I could undo things by doing them over.
At our first opportunity to be alone, I offered my sister a heartfelt apology for what I’d said and how carelessly I’d fired words at her. I had a do-over conversation, explaining what I’d meant to say in the car. I’d simply wanted her to consider that my brother-in-law might have found her treatment to be offensive and disempowering, and perhaps there were more effective ways to offer directions. I hadn’t intended to criticize her but that was how my unskillful words had come out. I finished by sharing how much I appreciated the do-over for the benefit of maintaining our close, loving, mutually supportive relationship.
I could have left things well enough alone and relied on her to assume that I’d never intentionally hurt her, but until I offered words to reaffirm this, my earlier actions would have been legitimate evidence to suggest otherwise. The do-over did us both good.
Along the journey of claiming the authentic story of our lives, there will be times we don’t get something right the first time.
The opportunity awaits to use the do-over to make sure we hit the mark the second time.
